Widely known as a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women,” dating coach M. Rudolph Katzenberg has been helping single women past their “best served by” date find love since 2003. Dozens of his clients have had a baby and then divorced, received highly favorable marital dissolution agreements or just had a fully-paid nice meal with an inoffensive suitor. By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers women to get what they want. Katzenberg started his career when he wrote his first book, “A Thinking Woman’s Guide to Dating After You’re Approaching Menopause.”
Dr. Katzenberg,
I married my husband “Dan” eight years ago. Dan was in the Marines at the time, and I have to admit that I sort of liked his macho attitude and what great shape he was in. I always felt safe and secure when I was around him.
In 2010, Dan was deployed in Afghanistan. He was at a bar or café where Americans would go and someone rolled a homemade grenade into the room. I will never figure out why but Dan felt he had to try to cover it with his helmet. (Genius, right?) So Dan lost both his legs and when he finally got home I found out he also lost much of his functionality in the bedroom. (He has to use a pump thing.)
I have come to terms with the fact that Dan lost his legs. What I have an issue with is that he never likes to go out anymore, and I feel like I am catering to him all the time. Plus, other soldiers that he doesn’t even know come to the house to meet him because he won medals for his “valor” in the cafe. There was even a parade for him in our town. But medals and parades don’t do anything for our marriage.
I have had to start working part-time again to support us since Dan’s disability benefits are not enough. I am career oriented and ambitious, but I thought that I would be able to return to work on my terms.
So getting to my question, I just don’t feel happy and I don’t see how things are going to change. I just turned 36, but most people think I look 25. Guys check me out at my gym, and I’m tempted to start talking to them. Should I move on if I don’t feel happy with how things are going?
Signed,
Confused
Confused, I meet many women in your situation. The man that they thought they knew is just different from the guy that they married or he has changed. It’s not your fault that Dan tried to be a hero and made a split second decision that changed his life forever. Now you need to think about yourself and your priorities. Dan told you what his priorities were back in that cafe in Afghanistan.
Consider that if you want to have children now is the time to start thinking about it. If you don’t think Dan is right for you in the long term you need to find someone that you do want and that can be that exciting, fun person in your life. This is what you deserve.
Many times in life, when you feel afraid to take the next step it helps if you envision yourself doing it. When you’re alone and have quiet time I want you to actually think about packing your things and telling Dan that you need to leave. You don’t need to tell him any of the reasons why except that you need to do it for yourself. Leave a note if that makes it easier. Your happiness is your responsibility. Start accepting that responsibility.
MEK